OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
