I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
