ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
