yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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