i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
