why didn't you poke me back
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
