Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
