i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
