My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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