I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
