Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
