Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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