My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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