Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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