Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
