I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
