im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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