We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
