i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
