I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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