you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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