Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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