i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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