apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
