Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
