The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
