I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
