I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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