My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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