Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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