You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
