I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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