we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
