I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
