Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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