I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
