What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
