the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
