How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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