I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
