Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
