Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
