I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He passed out mid-signature
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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