my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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