im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
