Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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