What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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