At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
