ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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