How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
